Joy

“Joy is not the absence of pain but the presence of God.”

This past July I discovered that my targeted therapy medication to treat my lung cancer had stopped working.  Most of the cancer that had been destroyed had returned.  Once again it was in my brain and vital organs, not to mention my bones…most specifically my spine.  I was shocked.  I had been working so hard to do everything I could to rid myself of this cancer which I was told was incurable. I had changed my diet to organic fruits and veggies with lots of green smoothies.  I was doing meditation, and all kinds of things that other cancer patients who had recovered had told me about. All of course under my doctors care and approval.  Why had this happened???  However, deep within I knew this was not the end of the road.

After blood tests my healthcare team discovered that I had a rare mutation that had formed as a result of the medication Tarceva which I had been taking.  A drug had recently been approved by the FDA and developed in Japan to treat cancer with patients who had this rare mutation.  This drug was ten times more powerful than the Tarceva in fighting the cancer.  Within a week I started the new medication.

I realized without the Tarceva I could never have been a candidate for this new drug.  So often in our life when one door closes, if we will continue to look up and not despair another door will open.  

Now almost 3 months later I’m doing fabulous.  I’m walking 2-3 miles a day and preparing to go to Africa to lead a team in a teacher training.  I feel energized, alive and living my purpose.  Yes, I still have cancer but minimal.  It is gone from my brain, and only a little bit still exists in my lungs and liver.  It is disappearing in my spine because my compression fractures are healing.  All is well!

This past year I’ve done a lot of introspection as I’ve done some serious thinking about my own mortality.  I’ve asked the questions, “Have I done what I was sent here to do? Have I been a good mother? Grandmother? Spouse? Daughter? Sister? Friend? Have I developed and shared my talents and strengths? And perhaps most importantly, have I served others?”

Recently I read a survey where those whose death was imminent were asked what their three biggest regrets were. The top three were: 1) I wish I had spent more time with the people I love, 2) I wish I had lived up to my potential, and 3) I wish I had let myself be happier.

I read a quote that said: “While nobody can go back and start a new beginning, anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

It’s funny how many people have said to me: “You and your family have suffered through so many trials over the last few years.”  I don’t see it that way.  In fact I feel like I have thrown away an old coat and have put on a beautiful new one.

The last few years have been some of the most difficult, but most satisfying I’ve ever lived. I remember the saying that depression is when pain is greater than purpose. My sense of purpose is definitely over-riding the pain!  This past two years have been an exercise of remembering the Lord’s tender mercies, miracles and lessons of how joy has overshadowed pain.

So, I have to say that the most amazing thing about my experience with cancer is what a spiritual high it has been. It has been like a refresher course of remembering things the Lord has taught me and blessings I’ve received. I have felt an increased sense of gratitude which has resulted in JOY.  

This past year has sparked a period of honest introspection and soul searching for me, and I tried to recall the life experiences during the last decade that had brought me the most genuine joy. And so, these past months have been a sacred time of remembering, and my heart is full of gratitude for all I’ve remembered.

We all want joy. The formula for getting it is so simply yet often so hard to do.  Gratitude makes us joyful.  It is as simple as that.  Yet instead we would often choose to sit down to hours of mindless TV or Netflix.  Often this vegetative state can put us into a mild state of depression.  It takes effort to be grateful.  It is a choice we make daily, hourly.   

I don’t know who to attribute this quote to but I really love it.  “Some of you today have had unfair things happen, life has not turned out like you’d hoped.  God is saying ‘If you’ll rise up out of those ashes, put on a new attitude, I’ll not only bring you out but I’ll bring you out with twice what you had before.’”

There it is the attitude of gratitude brings forth miracles.  Miracles are everywhere and show up in the strangest of ways.  Miracles come in the form of dear family and friends that are there for us no matter what we are going through.  Miracles are love.  Miracles manifest God’s love for each of us.  I am not alone, you are not alone.  Miracles are God’s way of letting us know He is there.  LIVE AS IF EVERYDAY IS A MIRACLE…because for me and my family it is!

I rejoice in the Lord Jesus Christ who sustains my life, and lives to bless us all.  If we open our eyes we will see all about us His abundant goodness. He is the Light and Life of the world.

Teilhard de Chardin was right when he said, “Joy is not the absence of pain but the presence of God.” 

March and April Update

Last week it poured down rain nearly every day where I live.  During the week I received several texts from friends living nearby who said that they were dancing in the rain.  One text message said “Always inspired to dance in the rain!”  I love that message.   Towards the end of the week after a few days of heavy rainfall, the sun came out late in the afternoon.  I was sitting in my office in front of my computer when the thought struck me to go outside and look up.  Out of curiosity I decided to act on the thought.  As I walked out my front door and walked towards the curb, I looked upwards and there was the most beautiful rainbow right over our house.  A huge smile spread across my face and tears welled up in my eyes as I witnessed the magnificent colors above me in the sky and became instantly lost in its beauty.    When you witness a rainbow all your cares seem to melt away, you feel uplifted, and your hope and faith in good things to come is renewed. 

I have a CD of favorite songs I made which I play daily.  The first song on this CD is “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.”  It takes a lot of rain to make a rainbow, but every drop of rain is worth it.  “The soul would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears.”

In March I had another CT scan and MRI.  It indicated that 80% of my cancer is now gone.  That is a MIRACLE.  The medication I’m on is designed to keep the cancer from spreading and contain it, however it cannot cure it.  The fact that 80% of the cancer in my body has been defeated is truly a very precious miracle in my life. 

On March 16, 2016 another miracle occurred…the birth of my first grandchild, Gwendolyn Grace.   She is a perfect miracle. It is also a miracle that I’m still here to hold her in my arms and kiss her little cherub face.  I am savoring the exquisite joy of being a grandmother. 

Following Gwen’s birth, her daddy was hospitalized for a critical health condition.  We received another miracle in his situation and his being released to return home after nine days in the hospital.  To show his appreciation for my help with their newborn during the time he was hospitalized, he baked me my very favorite dessert, lemon bars.  I have tried to avoid refined sugar since my cancer diagnosis in October.  However, as I stared down these lemon bars the temptation was too great.  I broke down and ate not one but several in one sitting.  It was pure heaven!  The thought came to me that so often we say “No” to life’s joys and desserts.  One thing my battle with cancer has taught me is to enjoy each day and live in the present.  Erma Bombeck who battled breast cancer said: “Think about the tragic nature of the women on the Titanic who, on that fateful evening, said no to dessert.” 

Since stressed is desserts spelled backwards, perhaps we would all have a little less stress in our lives if we could enjoy more desserts every day.  Desserts don’t always have to be loaded with sugar. Desserts can come in the form of laughter, listening to music that makes you happy, meditation, going for a walk in nature, creating something unique, smiling at a stranger, my personal favorite…holding your grand baby, and of course dancing in the rain.

So enjoy more desserts in your life and keep looking up…there is a rainbow waiting for you!

Hidden Blessings of Cancer

Many of you have emailed and texted to get updates and told me there is nothing new on my blog.  I confess I am a failure as a blogger.  However, in an attempt to redeem myself I will try to make up for two months of nothing.  Last month my blood labs came back completely normal.  Nothing was out of range.  I still have lung cancer but those bad guys are being defeated one by one.  Due to the cancer that metastasized to my spine, I have developed some compression fractures up and down the spine.  In order to try to reduce some of the larger masses of cancer on my spine we are doing targeted radiation.  We are also hoping that they will reduce the pain in my back…an extra bonus! 

One thing I have discovered is that cancer comes with hidden blessings. What do I mean by “hidden blessings”? They are precisely those events or challenges in our lives that at first glance do not look like a blessing when they happen but after the passage of time, great blessings flow. Such “blessings” only become evident as we look for them.  Many people would never call cancer a gift.  But in my case, it has been a gift.  Perhaps the cancer itself is not a blessing, but many hidden blessings and priceless gifts have come from what I am learning through this experience of battling cancer.  Many of these blessings are things I don’t think I would have ever experienced were it not for having cancer. For that I am eternally grateful.  Within in the word “Cancer” is the word “Can” and I can take the lessons I have learned to become a better person. 

So here are some of the gifts and blessings my journey with cancer has brought:

Handicapped parking permit’s rock! 

June is National Cancer Survivor Month at Hogle Zoo.  I can get free admission.  Love those gorillas!

Massages once a week thanks to a generous gift from my mom…a piece of heaven.  Massage strengthens the immune system not to mention it is so relaxing and soothing.  I just wish they could let me sleep there for an hour after the massage. 

I save money on haircuts. The medication has stopped my hair from growing so no need for haircuts. Since my hair is not growing I don’t have to worry about gray hair. I used to have long really thick hair which would take me 30 minutes to blow dry.  Since the meds have caused my hair to thin out I can blow dry it in less than 60 seconds.

Another perk is “Crazy” hair.  One of the side effects from the meds is that my hair sticks straight up in the air without any need for gels or hair creams.  There are some teens out there that would love to have my hair. 

I am learning to live in the present…I’ve spent a life time living in the past and future.  For a couple of months I was on oxygen 24/7 and unable to breath on my own.  I never realized how grateful I was just to be able to breath.  Now just focusing on my breath brings me back to the present.  Before I was lost in my thoughts, and worries while at the very same time rushing around trying to get everything done on my to do list.  Wherever I have traveled throughout the world children seem to be happy.  Even in third world countries where they are surrounded by poverty and hunger.  Why?  Could it be that children live in the present and they experience pure joy? 

I’m relearning that I have the power to Create.  Not only to create my own thoughts and choose to be happy but to create things.  I used to love to draw and paint when I was younger.  I could spend hours lost in my artwork.  It is a gift that has laid dormant for way to long and it is time to bring out the artist within again.  Art is healing. 

I sing.  Yes, I’ve started singing again.  My daughters will all testify that I am totally tone deaf and sing completely off tune but who cares.  I made a CD of my favorite happy songs and crank the volume up in my car and belt out the words to my heart’s content.  Remember the times you were at a stop light and a car full of teens pulled up next to you and the car was literally rocking back and forth because the music was playing so loud…well that’s ME now!  My repertoire of songs includes “Don’t Worry Be Happy”, “This is the Best Day of My Life”, “The Climb” by Miley Cyrus and “Hakana Matata”.  Again there is scientific proof that certain music boosts the immune system to help you fight disease.  Uplifting music releases pain releasing endorphins. It is not only energizing but healing. 

I dance.  As a little girl I spent my days twirling and dancing around the room.  My favorite record was “Tina the Ballerina,” which I listened to over and over again as I spun in pirouettes while running into walls. But somewhere along the path to adulthood I stopped dancing.  Well I ‘m dancing again in the privacy of my own home.  I put on “Singing in the Rain” and cut loose…Fred Astaire would be proud!  It feels so exhilarating.  This has taught me not to wait for the storm to pass, but to dance in the rain.

I laugh. I am discovering a renewed ability to find humor in just about every situation possible.  Some studies claim that children laugh around 300-400 times a day versus adults that laugh less than 17 times daily.  Whether or not these studies are true, the point is that as we grow up we laugh less. Laughter truly is the best medicine.  So I have raised my laugh quota. Longer laughs count as multiple points. I have learned to laugh at myself again and daily look for things to laugh about.  It is true that one loses many laughs by not laughing at oneself.  "You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing."—Michael Pritchard

I’ve learned to do Qigong.  What is Qigong you ask?  It is a novel way of exercising using breathing, meditation and movement together.  It is rooted in Chinese medicine and has components of the martial arts.  However, it is very healing and energizing.  It truly has helped with my back pain and relieved stress.  I also find myself laughing when I look at myself in a mirror doing some of the movements. 

I’m learning to have Gratitude for everything.  I’m learning to see life through grateful eyes. Things that used to annoy me I now find myself being grateful for.  Expressing gratitude initiates a powerful healing effect in your body and mind. I have gratitude for my healing, gratitude for receiving guidance, gratitude for all my blessings.  If you want more happiness, joy, and energy, cultivate more gratitude. Cancer has opened my eyes to all the little things I took for granted and shown me how truly blessed I am. Gratitude brings our attention into the present, where miracles can unfold.

I’m learning to meditate as was suggested by my doctors. I have a terrible time sitting still.  I always have to be doing something and to sit quietly for 20 minutes was torture in the beginning and I would keep opening my eyes to see how much time has passed. I felt I could learn Arabic easier than I could learn to meditate. However, I’ve come to look forward to my daily meditation time.  Meditation can amp up your immune system and experts claim there are 70 other benefits that go along with meditation.  It’s free and there are no negative side effects.   Now my goal is to cure my insomnia through meditation.

I am a control freak.  This has taught me Patience and to relinquish control to God. I now see that getting frustrated, worried, or losing my cool over things I cannot control or don’t have the answers to does nothing but waste valuable energy. I’m learning how to LET GO and go with the flow rather than fighting and resisting what is.  “Never put a period where God has placed a comma.” – Gracie Allen.  I am learning to pray for strength and patience to endure the commas rather than wait for the period to be placed. 

I am learning to receive.  Those who know me well will tell you I’m a terrible receiver when it comes to taking help from others.  I’m fiercely independent to a fault.  I’m learning interdependence and increasing my capacity to receive help from others.

Cancer has afforded me time not only to learn, but also to engage in acts of self-care that before the diagnosis, I would not have permitted myself to do.

I’m more aware than ever before of how valuable friends are…my friends are irreplaceable.  I could not have done this without them.  I’ve had one dear friend drop everything get on a plane and cared for my every need during the time I was bedridden. I have had friends who I have not been in touch with for over 20 years  reach out to me.  These treasured friends share their hearts with me, and show me unconditional love and concern.  This includes my loving neighbors…they have brought over meals, gifts, flowers and cleaned my home.  WHAT a gift – and a blessing – that has been.

I didn’t think it was possible for my love for my family to expand, but it is in a different realm.  How I love my three amazing daughters, my son in law and my sweet husband.  It is for them that I am fighting this and I will continue to fight this until it is defeated.  Their love sustains me.  My love for my devoted husband has deepened.  He suffered a massive cerebral hemorrhage one year ago and yet he is at my side serving me daily.  I’m counting the days to the arrival of my first grandchild next month.  My mother has been a solid rock for me.  Her own battle to defeat cancer has been an example to me.  The support of my siblings has also been critical.  Thoughts of my loved ones keep me going. 

This brings me to the angels that have ministered to me and my family.  Angels that are both seen and unseen.  I have felt their presence.  I know my father and grandparents who have passed away have been near. 

I have a new perspective.  I want to be better for having gone through this. When you know what it feels like to stare at death’s door, you tend to appreciate life more.  I am learning how true it is that discouragement, despair and hopelessness come from the way we look at things.

As ironic as this may sound, I am so HAPPY. No one is happy they have cancer, but you can have cancer and still be happy!   Is it possible to feel peace, joy and be happy even in the midst of adversity?  YES.  I couldn’t have said that two years ago. 

I have witnessed miracles every day of my journey with cancer.  Some are small and some are HUGE.  But daily I witness them.  Wherever there is great love and faith there are miracles! 

My faith in my Savior has increased.  I have faith that He is walking this journey with me.  I could not and would not be where I am now without His constant help.  Believing that there is purpose in this, believing that all will be well, believing that something wonderful is going to come through this, believing that no matter what I am never alone for He is in this.   We don’t always understand the way of divinity but as I put my faith and trust in a loving Heavenly Father and His Son I know that all things will be for my ultimate good and the good of my family. 

I’ve learned that without HOPE you cannot fight this.  Your doctors can give you facts, statistics and calculated possibilities, but HOPE comes from within and is a gift from above.  Hope is not denial, but the gift of Hope blesses us with the state of mind to deal with the gap between what is and what can be. It can be life sustaining.

I have greater appreciation of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  That enabling power to heal, comfort, strengthen, carry burdens and sanctify.  Truly in the strength of the Lord we can overcome all things.  

My love for my Heavenly Father and Savior has increased.  I know that they know me and know what our family needs.  All these things will be for our ultimate good.  My favorite saying is they will turn our straw into gold as we look to them in all things. 

Yes, my very being has changed through this illness.  This has been my classroom.  I am learning that if I throw spit wads and recent the teacher I will have to stay after class.  However, if I pay attention, do my homework, and embrace my teacher there will be joy in the journey and there has been JOY in this journey.  

Thank you for all your prayers, love and support.  I would love to hear how you have found joy in your own journeys.  I love the quote: “So often we become so focused on the finish line that we fail to enjoy the journey.” – Dieter F. Uchtdorf


Please see the next post for a recent message from my daughter Gabi who is serving a mission in Ecuador!

Gabi's Message

This is from my daughter Gabi who is a missionary in Ecuador:

Gabi Dancing in the Rain

Think of our lives like a video game. We spend hours trying to pass different levels but you are never going to beat a level if you play it the same way you did the time before. You have to do something different. When trials come in our life and you feel tempted to say "Seriously, I just went through this?" remember that God does all things for the good of His children. Maybe there is still something that you need to learn? "Sometimes we are forced into directions we ought to have found for ourselves."
Recently I asked a woman "If God was sitting right in front of you and you had one question to ask him what would you ask? She said, "I wouldn't ask him anything. I would just thank him for all the challenges that have happened in my life because through them I have found joy." Then it hit me, "A challenge handled correctly can be a blessing in your life." Maybe there is something more God wants me to learn. It's like when you watch a movie for the second time or read all the Harry Potter books again even though you've read them like 4 times and you still find something that you didn't notice the first second and third time.
This life isn't about having things but about becoming something. Who will you become through turning your life over to God?