How high is your balloon?

When I wrote my last blog I had just completed ten radiation treatments and two chemos.  The day after I finished radiation I was on a plane to South America with my daughter, Gabi.  Gabi was the lead Spanish speaking facilitator in an IOL training in the jungles of Peru.  She is a gifted teacher. We trained over 60 teachers in a week.  I arrived in Peru wearing a heavy back brace.  The cancer had spread to my spine and caused compression fractures up and down my spine.  However, I experienced so many miracles on the trip as I danced with the beautiful Peruvian people in the jungle village, and hiked the majestic Machu Picchu, Peru’s high altitude jewel and archeological treasure.  

Then we were off to Ecuador to visit all the places Gabi had served as a missionary.  That was a whole new adventure with our shower literally blowing up, fights with a rooster and chicken who had stolen my pants left outside to dry, a turned over bus on the steep narrow mountain roads that turns every curve into an adrenal pumping adventure as you pray that your vehicle doesn’t tumble over the cliff and silently express gratitude for motion sickness medication.  After traveling all day by bus to finally reach our destination near midnight only to discover our hotel reservation had been canceled, dragging our luggage with us daily as we kept changing hotels, and the list goes on.  However, the beautiful Ecuadorian people made up for any of the crazy antics we experienced.  I fell in love with both Peru and Ecuador…the people are so humble, friendly, and funny. The best comment of the trip was when I was told: “You look like a Latin, just don’t open your mouth to speak and act like you are deaf.”  That was their polite way of saying, your Spanish is horrible.  

 

Before I write more I want to put a disclaimer here.  I have family members that have fought the battle of chemical induced anxiety and depression.  For them happiness is not a matter of choice. No amount of prayer, service, or positive thinking can bring them out of their depression.  It’s not something you can just shake off.  It is as much an illness and disease as diabetes.  It requires medical intervention and medication. It is a disease that needs to be de-stigmatized.  To downplay the trials that those suffering from mental illness go through would be insensitive, offensive and cruel.   After suffering from anxiety induced by chemo, I have more empathy and compassion for those who suffer from mental illness.  So please, those suffering from some form of mental illness please know that this blog is not meant to belittle your challenges and suggest that all you have to do is choose to be happy. I admire and respect you, for I believe mental illness is one of the hardest challenges to live with.   I know there is hope and you can get better and enjoy life.  

After we arrived home I resumed chemo.  The last three chemo treatments have been pretty brutal.  Often people refer to those fighting cancer as warriors.  However, during the past two months when I was so nauseated I could not eat I didn’t feel like a warrior.  When my throat was so swollen I could not swallow my pills, I didn’t feel like a warrior.  When the nerve pain seemed almost unbearable and lasted for days and weeks I didn’t fear like a warrior.  When I did not have the strength to talk to my husband, family and friends, I did not feel like a warrior.  When I lay in my bed for days watching rerun after rerun of “Seventh Heaven” and “The Gilmore Girls” I did not feel like a warrior.  When a chemo induced anxiety and night sweats kicked in and I could no longer sleep at night, I didn’t feel like a warrior. When I passed out on the bathroom floor, I did not feel like a warrior.  And in those moments when I began to feel self-pity and wanted to give up I did not feel like a warrior.  

Then a couple of weeks ago I woke up one morning to heavy rainfall.  It instantly reminded me of my blog “Life isn’t about waiting for the storms to pass put learning to Dance in the rain”.  So I mustered all the strength I had to get dressed and go for a car ride.   As the rain poured down, I suddenly felt an inner cleansing.  I turned on my happy music and decided to drive up the canyon.  I grew up on a mountain.  My backyard was Mt. Olympus and whenever I was struggling with a problem or discouraged I would hike up my mountain to be alone, meditate, pray and just commune with nature.  

As I drove to the top of the canyon road I came to a mountain lake reservoir surrounded by pine covered mountain peaks and breathtaking vistas.  As I got out of my car and sat down next to the lake, I remember a feeling of spiritual warmth envelope me, a happy feeling returned, as things started to fall back into perspective in my head.  The mists of clouds that covered the mountain began to lift and the sun appeared through the clouds as the rain stopped.  I began to cry for the first time since I had my cancer diagnosis two years ago. They were not tears of grief but tears of joy.

That day my perspective changed.  As a child I remember getting helium balloons, and after parading it around outside I would carry it carefully to my room and tie it to a chair. I was intrigued by watching it bounce back and forth in front of my heat vent.  In the days to follow it would slowly drop lower to the ground until it was lying on the ground deflated and shriveled up.  

How true this analogy is like our perspective in life.  When we are in a state of gratitude and praise our heart is lightened, we are happy, buoyant, joyous, strong and free of earthly worries.  When we are filled with despair, worry and hopeless we like the balloon become deflated, heavy, shriveled up, and bounce along the ground.  How do we get the helium back in our balloon?  It comes down to a change in perspective.  The best helium for a human spirit is a large dose of gratitude.  As we do so we become lightened in mood and spirit and we rise up again to face another day.  Up high our world looks less scary, we can see the way through, and we are able to break free of the places where we are stuck.  

Winnie

My granddaughter’s nickname is “Winnie” like Winnie the Pooh.  She is full of positivity and exudes happiness. People of all ages are drawn to her.  Who doesn’t love Pooh bear?  

When my middle daughter, Jess, was little I nicknamed her “Tigger”.   She was full of enthusiasm, energy and literally bounced through life…it seemed nothing could destroy her joy.  We called her our “grateful child.”  She was grateful for everything.  She even would thank me for grounding her.  She seemed to find joy in any circumstance.  

So on one end of the spectrum we have Tigger, bouncing through life on his tail on the other end we have Eeyore the whiny, pessimistic, negative donkey. In life we have two choices, we can choose joy and gratitude and look up or we can choose ingratitude, self-pity and look down.  

Jessi

So after that day in the mountains I knew I had to choose. I chose joy and my future once again looked bright.  Even though I struggled and continue to struggle with the many side effects of chemo I had a new perspective.  The Lord was teaching me that the greatest miracles are often what takes place within us.  

I’m going to take a chance and be really vulnerable here.  As I was working so hard to choose joy,  recently I had the same dream three nights in a row.  After the third night in a row it got my attention.  In the dream I’m surrounded by bowling balls then suddenly I find myself alone in high school frantically looking for my locker.  I can’t find it anywhere and I begin to panic.  Then I discover it in a corner isolated from all the other lockers.  My locker is dingy, small and beaten up unlike all the larger, nice, new lockers where all the popular kids hang out.  In the dream I long for a new locker and to get rid of all the bowling balls that are weighing me down and causing me pain in the dream.  

My sister is a gifted therapist and I asked her to help me interpret this dream.  She asked me how I felt when I was surrounded by the bowling balls and could not find my locker.  Immediately the thought came to my mind, I feel heavy, weighed down, overwhelmed.  Then she said; “how do you feel about the locker”?  Instantly the emotions came up of feeling frustrated, alone, isolated, sad, different from others but I longed to be normal again and be with the other kids laughing and going places.  I longed for a new shiny locker not this old dingy one hidden in the corner. Then my sister said “It sounds like an excellent and powerful description of what you are going through with your cancer.  There is a part of you that needs to acknowledge and process how hard this is for you. After all “buried feelings never die.”

I’m a first class stuffer of negative emotions.  My dream and my sister taught me that it’s important to give myself permission to acknowledge my pain, heartache, sorrow and not to bury it within.  I am learning there is a difference between acknowledging and accepting those feelings and then letting them go versus dwelling on them.  

The thing that worked for me to let go was prayer.  I spent some quiet time alone and just let it all out.  I was surprised by all that came out as I was completely honest with my Father in Heaven.  I expressed  feelings emerging within of frustration, sorrow, pain, hurt, lonliness, disappointment, grief, weariness, helplessness, fears, hopes, broken dreams.  I didn’t hold anything back.  As I felt the feelings come forward, the tears flowed.  I visualized a big black hairy ball that I began filling with all these negative emotions.  I wanted to get rid of it.  I visualized giving it to my Savior. As I handed it to him suddenly this black ugly ball was huge…the size of an exercise ball you sit on.   It was heavy and I ended up rolling it to Him.  I visualized Him effortlessly picking it up and slowly dissolving it until it was gone.   

If I continue to stuff or dwell on those feelings they become toxic to me and turn negative and eventually they will find a way to surface whether it’s through dreams, illness or it begins to affect my attitude, and beliefs. However, it requires work on my part to acknowledge and let go and then fill my mind with thoughts of gratitude, praise, and faith.  Kahlil Gibran said: “Joy and sorrow are inseparable…together they come and when one sits alone with you…remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.”

Even though recently I felt my burden was heavy and hard to bear and all I wanted to do is eat Captain Crunch cereal straight out of the box, which feels like razer blades cutting up the roof of your mouth, submitting cheerfully and feeling grateful was not on my to do list.   The only thing that keeps you down and stuck are your thoughts. Being positive doesn’t necessarily come naturally for me, I have to make the decision daily. As Mother Theresa said: “To keep a lamp burning, we have to keep putting oil in it.”  I have had to train my mind to see the good, express gratitude, smile, choose positive thoughts and to trust in God.  As a result my burdens have become light.  I have felt a renewed strength and joy.  My helium balloon is light and buoyant once again. Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli said: “You will never go higher than your thinking.”

Elizabeth Smart who endured nine months of daily rape and abuse at the hands of her kidnapper is an example of the power of choice.  She said: “We all have trials.  We all have ups and downs.  But we are the masters of our fate.  I could have allowed myself to be handicapped by what happened to me. But I decided early on I had only one life and I wasn’t going to waste it.”  (Smart and Stewart, My Story)

Everyone at some point in their lives will feel the rain pour down upon them.  But we each have the power to choose our own attitude and learn to dance in the rain.  I can say with a sure personal knowledge that trials are for our own good if we have patience and choose to trust in God.  He wants to show us that he can make us more than we ever dreamed we could be as we let go of the fear and simply trust Him.  So although I still have some tough days I have chosen to control what is in my power, to feel gratitude, to submit cheerfully with His help, to choose joy, and then I take the rest and lay it at His feet.   

Dancing in Peru

We are all on a journey…a journey filled with gifts waiting to be discovered.  I want to choose joy on this journey.  The apostle James wrote in James 1:2 “Count it all joy when you fall into various trials.”  The people who he was teaching were being persecuted and suffering from extreme poverty.  Why would James write such a demanding command among people who were enduring such suffering?  Because he understood that when you lose your joy you lose your strength and you need your strength more than ever in difficult times. The seeds of discouragement cannot take root in a grateful heart.

My compassion for others has increased and my relationship with my Savior has deepened.  The greatest miracles are intangible.  CHOOSE JOY TODAY…after all it is helium for the heart!!!

Avoiding the Hole in the Sidewalk

A lot has happened since I wrote my last blog.  I have a need to express my appreciation and love to all of you who have offered prayers in my behalf.  I have felt the power and numerous blessings from those prayers.  How I love you.  I too am praying for you and your families.  Each of us have our own set of worries and concerns.  We all are in need of each others love and support.

So my most recent update.  After a brief stint in remission in January, the cancer returned and began to spread very aggressively and quickly.  I made a decision after consulting with my medical team, and family that traditional chemo infusions was really the only option using medical science.  I had already been emerged in nutritional supplements and other natural means.  This has helped but this cancer was too aggressive.  I for one had said in the past I would never do traditional chemo, and yet here I was doing just that.  I believe that I must do everything on my part as I ask the Lord for His healing blessings.  Otherwise, it would be like asking the Lord to help my tomatoes and cucumbers grow in my garden without planting the seeds and watering the tender plants.

I have finished two chemo treatments and I’m doing extremely well.  My lower spine is covered with the cancer which we need to address next.  The pain alone has been crippling at times.  We are looking at doing a specialized radiation treatment.  In the interim, I’m now wearing a heavy duty back brace.  Medical professionals that have looked at my spinal MRI have explained that it is truly a miracle that I am walking.  Just one of many miracles that I have received.

I’m still trying to maintain my sense of humor.  Last week I was complimented by a nurse on my wig.  The only problem is this is my real hair.  I bet not too many of you have ever been told “nice wig!”  Then when shopping at a department store the young cashier asked me if I wanted to use my senior citizens discount.  I noticed that it was only effective for 65 and older.  I didn’t know whether to smile over the discount or cry that she thought I was over 65.  Then a woman came up to me at the grocery store and wanted to know why I was wearing a large life jacket(referring to my back brace)?  If I had been quick on my feet I would have told her it was because I had a fear of water. 

My life could be summed up in a poem I heard years ago.  It goes like this:

Chapter 1: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter 2: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend that I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in this same place. But, it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter 3: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in … but, my eyes are open. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
Chapter 4: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
Chapter 5:  I walk down another street.

I’ve confessed many times that I am a slow learner when it comes to life lessons.  For years each trial I have had carries within it the same message…yet I fail to learn it so it is repeated over and over.  The cancer has carried within it an inner pearl.  After years of falling into the hole, I’m finally learning how to avoid it.  I’m learning how to put my complete and total trust in my Father in Heaven and His Son.  I’m learning what it feels like to submit instead of resist.

I love the ocean.  When I meditate I’m always lying on a beautiful beach with the ocean waves lapping at my feet.  It has been said that water is a great teacher. It doesn’t fight when it’s put into a new container, instead it adapts and changes to perfectly fit its new home.

When water is flowing in a river, it is very difficult to stop.  You can try to prevent it from flowing but it will slip around you and keep going. Instead of rocks and boulders stopping its flow it rides over and around them.  It accepts the existence of rocks and other obstacles and does not resist them.  If for some reason it is not able to go around the obstacles, it does not give up but simply finds a new path.

In my own struggles with adversity I have found over and over again that what I resist only persists and creates more stress in my life.  It increases the weight of the burden I’m carrying.  In life we try to control things that are beyond our control.  The more we resist the greater our frustration and stress.  

For years, I have desired the gift of unshakeable faith in Jesus Christ.  The process of building faith requires time and patience. Help from the Lord generally comes in increments. He can immediately cure serious illnesses or disabilities and sometimes He does, but more often it is a process.  That process gives us an opportunity to discover priceless life lessons.  His timetable is often different than ours but always perfect in our individual growth.

Not all my prayers have been answered the way I desired.  I would have preferred not to have gone through chemo.  Let’s be real, I would have preferred not to have had this diagnosis in the first place.  However, I would not trade what I have learned on this journey.  As a result, this journey has been sweet and filled with joy.  More joy that I have ever felt.  I feel stronger that I have ever been.
I am learning daily what it looks like to submit.  Daily He continues to increase my capacity to feel that joy inspite of the pain.  I don’t know fully understand His purposes in my life but I do know that this is for my good and it is blessing not only me but my family.

Since I was a child I loved the Old Testament story of Daniel and his three Hebrew friends.  When we are faced with a trial there are three ways it can unfold.  All three ways are found in the Book of Daniel.  The first unfolded when Daniel was required by the king to eat meat that was unclean according to the Jewish law.   Daniel and his three friends sought the Lord’s help in prayer.  They requested to have their diet changed and the request was granted fairly quickly.  When we are faced with a trial we too can ask in prayer for relief and the circumstances will change.

The second way unfolds as Daniel found himself in the lion’s den facing starving lions.  Daniel pled for deliverance and He was rescued at the very last minute.  God actually sent his angel to shut the mouths of each lion in the den. Sometimes we too have to be patient in enduring our trials until deliverance comes.  After our faith has been tested, at the eleventh hour it comes. 

Finally there is the story of Daniel’s three friends, (Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego) who were commanded to bow down an worship a golden idol.  These young men found this something they neither could nor would do, even on penalty of death.  They were cast into the fiery furnace seven times hotter than normal.

Before they were cast into the fire they said: “If it be so [if you cast us into the furnace], our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand.” They continued, “But if not, … we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.”  The “If not” is a statement of great faith.  The but if nots in our life can become our greatest blessings.

They knew that they could trust God—even if things didn’t turn out the way they hoped. I am learning that faith is more than mental exertion, more than a belief that God lives.  Faith is total trust in Him, submission to His will and complete reliance on Him.

The three Hebrews, bound tightly hand and foot and still in their clothing, were carried to the furnace and thrown in. The fire was so hot that those charged with the task of throwing them into the fire were consumed by the flames.

The king noticed that there were not three men walking about in that furnace, but four. The king turned to his aids and asked them if there were not three men cast into the fire. They agreed that there were only three.  He called their attention to the fact that four men were now in the fire, and one had a god-like appearance. The king assumed it to be divine.

Neither the clothing nor the bodies of the men had been harmed by the intense heat and the flames. Their hair had not been singed; their clothing was not damaged. The only thing they lost in those flames were the ropes which bound them.

Daniel and his friends did not believe that faithfulness to God guarantees freedom from suffering and tribulation. But in the fiery furnace, God was with these three. How often we pray God would keep us from suffering, rather than strengthen us through suffering. God was present with them in the furnace.  I have a quote in my kitchen that says: “No one knows what this year will bring, but one thing is sure.  He will be with us and He is enough for every difficulty that may arise.”

Our beautiful mountain here in Alpine was on fire last week.  Our own fires of afflictions can purify and sanctify us if we will look to the right source for our strength.  A dear friend of mine sent me a picture she took the last time our mountain was on fire.  A few weeks after the fire as she was walking among the ashes, she took this beautiful picture of new growth.

My challenge to you, as well as to myself—is to notice the holes that you fall into in your life.  What would it take to walk down a different street and open up your heart to new growth?

THE GIFT OF “WONDER”

My daughter has been after me to write a post.  I’ve felt like people don’t really want to hear from me…everyone leads such busy lives.  However, I think we all can learn from each other and perhaps I can share something I’m learning in this journey.  

In my last post, I shared that my cancer had gone into remission.  Well, that only lasted for a couple of months and the cancer returned rapidly and began spreading its tentacles to other parts of the body.  I had a biopsy and we discovered that the cancer had formed yet another new mutation.  However, there is not a targeted drug approved by the FDA to treat this mutation.  So, the question is where do I go from here? 

Many have asked me if I’m afraid or discouraged.  To be honest I have to answer NO to both questions.  From the first day, I was given the diagnosis of non-smokers lung cancer, stage IV, I made the decision that this would be a joyful journey.  With school getting out this week all over the country I’m reminded of the saying: “In school you’re taught a lesson and then given a test.  In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.”  Obviously, I still have more lessons to learn in this ongoing journey.  My grandmother used to tell me that nothing ever goes away until it teaches you what you need to learn or know.  She should know since she overcame countless challenges and trials in her life and became a woman of great inner strength and wisdom. 

One of my most recent lessons is the renewal of my sense of wonder.   If you watch a small child outside on a spring morning they notice and stop to examine every little thing in their path.   Their sense of wonder is refreshing.  I see this joy of wonder every time I’m with my adorable little granddaughter, Winnie (her nickname for Gwen).  She is in constant awe of the world around her. 

In the nonprofit I’ve been involved in for several years, Inside Our Learning, we introduce “Wonder Walls”.  This is a place for students to post their wonder questions. The questions need not have an answer. The goal is not to answer every question but create a culture of wonder. 

Lately the word “wonder” has taken on a new meaning to me.  It is a way of praising God and expressing gratitude to Him.  It is the ability to marvel at His works and hand in our life.  I now wake up each day with the wonder question “I wonder what God is going to teach me today?”  

I love this story of the Chinese farmer whose horse ran away.  All the neighbors came around to commensurate “So sorry to hear your horse has ran away. That’s too bad.” And he said, “We shall see.”

The next day the horse came back, bringing seven wild horses with it, and everybody came around in the evening and said, “Oh, isn’t that lucky. What a great turn of events. You’ve now got eight horses.” And he said, “We shall see.”

The next day his son tried to break one of these horses and ride it and was thrown and broke his leg. And they all said, “Oh, dear that’s too bad.” And he said, “We shall see.”

The following day the military officers came around to recruit to force people into the army and they rejected his son, because he had a broken leg. And all the people came around and said, “Isn’t that great.” And he said, “We shall see.”

And this story continues in the same pattern.  Perhaps rather than say “We shall see” a better response would be “I can’t wait to see what God is going to do to turn this to my good! Or “I wonder what God is going to teach me?”    I have learned through different experiences in my life that good can come out of anything we face if we will trust in God and wait patiently upon Him.  

We have a ping pong table in our basement and yesterday as I was picking up one of the ping pong balls off the floor I had a moment of wonder.  I wondered if I immersed that ping pong ball in a glass of water and pushed it down what it would do?  We all know it would continue to find a way to pop up to the surface.  No matter how many times I try to push it down it will continue to pop up again.  However, if I punched a hole in the ball and then put it in the water it would eventually fill up with water and sink to the bottom and stay there.  It reminded me of faith.  When we have faith in God regardless of what trials or challenges we face, we will constantly be able to pop back up and face another day.  However, if we give up and let fear take over and trust in man we sink to the bottom of despair.  

Placing our faith and trust in a loving God is believing that everything will work out for the highest good of all concerned.  We accept that our way of thinking how it should be is not always the way it will work out for our best and the best of our loved ones. “God always gives His best to those who leave the choice with Him.”  I truly believe that our most severe challenges may one day reveal themselves to be our greatest teachers.  

So, I don’t know about you but I can’t wait to see what God is going to do next?  

What Is The Greatest Gift You Have Ever Received?

Since I last wrote on my blog I was about to go to Kenya Africa.  Some felt I was foolish for making this trip with stage IV Lung Cancer.  However, my team at Huntsman were extremely supportive and encouraged me to live my life with gusto.  I had an amazing trip and adventure with our USA and African team where we conducted a week-long training with school teachers.  It fed my passion to feel my life has purpose. 

I’ve been involved for several years with a nonprofit, Inside Out Learning.  IOL trains teachers in developing countries in unique methods that ignite critical/creative thinking skills and helps learners discover their inner strengths and talents.  The traditional method of lecture, memorization and teaching to the test suppresses learning. It stifles students’ creativity, disregards intuition and ignores their individual strengths, talents and learning styles. Students are unable to solve their own problems.  IOL methods empowers them to solve problems, become self-reliant and create business opportunities.  

During my time in Kenya I would often pinch myself and think “how did I get the chance to be here in Kenya and learn from these amazing people?”  I am learning much more from them then they will ever learn from me. One of those individuals I met was Ben Oindo.  He was a young man who was over housekeeping at the hotel where I stayed.  Ben lost both his parents to AIDS when he was a small child.  He was raised in an orphanage.  There was a light that emanated from Ben.  He exuded happiness. He was full of love and gratitude, even though he had so little in terms of worldly goods.  He spends every Saturday serving at the orphanage where he was raised. 

We took over many gifts to our African team and school dignitaries we met with.  However, they gave us the greater gifts.  The gift of Joy.  I look into the eyes of those beautiful African people and see JOY.  They find happiness in small things. It’s possible to be happy even without a lot of Stuff. 

The gift of gratitude. My African friends are so grateful for everything. Oftentimes, it seems they enjoy their little much more than our largeness. They understand “Give us this day our daily bread” and thank God for the bread when it appears.  

The gift of Praise. They are not afraid to praise God in Africa.  They praise Him in their prayers, song and dance. If they can’t sing they dance and a joyful sound seems to pulsate throughout their bodies. Their worship seems pure and sincere.  

I look forward to future trips to Africa, to receive new gifts found in the lessons they will teach me.

This brings me back to the question I asked at the beginning.  “What is the greatest gift you have ever received?” I began this blog to share my journey with cancer in hopes that it might help someone out there.  I was diagnosed with stage IV Lung cancer in October 2015.  It had metastasized to other organs, lymph nodes, bones and brain. It was throughout my body.  I was literally covered with it.  I was told it was incurable and terminal.  The first oncologist I went to was very kind and told me how sorry he was.  He advised me to get my life in order very quickly.  I was on oxygen 24/7 and bedridden. 

I don’t ever recall feeling fear through this illness.  My mother who recently passed away in December was a woman of great faith and fearless. She was an incredible gift to me.  She taught me as a young child to always look up.  She would say over and over whenever I faced and overwhelming challenge or trial, “It is where it always is, trust in your Father in Heaven and Savior.”  Her favorite scripture was “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding.”

So, I did just that.  I had the faith to die or the faith to live according to the Lord’s will for me.  I have a strong belief that if we look to Him and trust in His will, all things will work for our good. He can turn our straw into GOLD.  He knows what is best.  I felt within that I still had work to do and that I would be healed from this cancer. 

A life-threatening illness can shuffle our priorities.  I didn’t want to resist what was and I desired to discover and embrace the lessons in this illness.  I feel more alive than I have ever felt.  As I wrote in an earlier blog, this illness has been filled with so many gifts for me.  Each day I get to spend with my beautiful family is a precious gift to me. 

In January 2017 I had my scans.  Once again, I was told that this type of cancer was incurable and terminal, however they could not detect any cancer in my scans.  They said they could not explain it but by medical terms they had to declare I was in remission.  I knew within that this healing came from above.  The day of miracles has not ceased.  

So, if you asked me what is the greatest gift I had ever received you might expect me to say that the gift is that my cancer is in remission.  That is indeed a great gift and miracle.  However, my greatest gift is His Son Jesus Christ, the master healer.  

Many times in my life in the midst of heavy trials that seemed to come one after another, I have wanted to yell “ENOUGH ALREADY!”  Looking back I can now see how each of these challenges have taught me the same powerful lesson over and over again…He will always turn my straw into gold as I look to Him.

My wise mother used to say to me, “Trust the Lord, get some sleep, it will all work out!”  If I were to give advice to my future self it would be “Don’t ever give up, don’t give into your fears.  Trust the Lord, get some sleep, it will all work out!”

The greatest gift I have ever received is my Savior.