So my most recent update. After a brief stint in remission in January, the cancer returned and began to spread very aggressively and quickly. I made a decision after consulting with my medical team, and family that traditional chemo infusions was really the only option using medical science. I had already been emerged in nutritional supplements and other natural means. This has helped but this cancer was too aggressive. I for one had said in the past I would never do traditional chemo, and yet here I was doing just that. I believe that I must do everything on my part as I ask the Lord for His healing blessings. Otherwise, it would be like asking the Lord to help my tomatoes and cucumbers grow in my garden without planting the seeds and watering the tender plants.
I have finished two chemo treatments and I’m doing extremely well. My lower spine is covered with the cancer which we need to address next. The pain alone has been crippling at times. We are looking at doing a specialized radiation treatment. In the interim, I’m now wearing a heavy duty back brace. Medical professionals that have looked at my spinal MRI have explained that it is truly a miracle that I am walking. Just one of many miracles that I have received.
I’m still trying to maintain my sense of humor. Last week I was complimented by a nurse on my wig. The only problem is this is my real hair. I bet not too many of you have ever been told “nice wig!” Then when shopping at a department store the young cashier asked me if I wanted to use my senior citizens discount. I noticed that it was only effective for 65 and older. I didn’t know whether to smile over the discount or cry that she thought I was over 65. Then a woman came up to me at the grocery store and wanted to know why I was wearing a large life jacket(referring to my back brace)? If I had been quick on my feet I would have told her it was because I had a fear of water.
My life could be summed up in a poem I heard years ago. It goes like this:
Chapter 1: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter 2: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend that I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in this same place. But, it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter 3: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in … but, my eyes are open. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
Chapter 4: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
Chapter 5: I walk down another street.
I’ve confessed many times that I am a slow learner when it comes to life lessons. For years each trial I have had carries within it the same message…yet I fail to learn it so it is repeated over and over. The cancer has carried within it an inner pearl. After years of falling into the hole, I’m finally learning how to avoid it. I’m learning how to put my complete and total trust in my Father in Heaven and His Son. I’m learning what it feels like to submit instead of resist.
I love the ocean. When I meditate I’m always lying on a beautiful beach with the ocean waves lapping at my feet. It has been said that water is a great teacher. It doesn’t fight when it’s put into a new container, instead it adapts and changes to perfectly fit its new home.
When water is flowing in a river, it is very difficult to stop. You can try to prevent it from flowing but it will slip around you and keep going. Instead of rocks and boulders stopping its flow it rides over and around them. It accepts the existence of rocks and other obstacles and does not resist them. If for some reason it is not able to go around the obstacles, it does not give up but simply finds a new path.
In my own struggles with adversity I have found over and over again that what I resist only persists and creates more stress in my life. It increases the weight of the burden I’m carrying. In life we try to control things that are beyond our control. The more we resist the greater our frustration and stress.
For years, I have desired the gift of unshakeable faith in Jesus Christ. The process of building faith requires time and patience. Help from the Lord generally comes in increments. He can immediately cure serious illnesses or disabilities and sometimes He does, but more often it is a process. That process gives us an opportunity to discover priceless life lessons. His timetable is often different than ours but always perfect in our individual growth.
Not all my prayers have been answered the way I desired. I would have preferred not to have gone through chemo. Let’s be real, I would have preferred not to have had this diagnosis in the first place. However, I would not trade what I have learned on this journey. As a result, this journey has been sweet and filled with joy. More joy that I have ever felt. I feel stronger that I have ever been.
I am learning daily what it looks like to submit. Daily He continues to increase my capacity to feel that joy inspite of the pain. I don’t know fully understand His purposes in my life but I do know that this is for my good and it is blessing not only me but my family.
Since I was a child I loved the Old Testament story of Daniel and his three Hebrew friends. When we are faced with a trial there are three ways it can unfold. All three ways are found in the Book of Daniel. The first unfolded when Daniel was required by the king to eat meat that was unclean according to the Jewish law. Daniel and his three friends sought the Lord’s help in prayer. They requested to have their diet changed and the request was granted fairly quickly. When we are faced with a trial we too can ask in prayer for relief and the circumstances will change.
The second way unfolds as Daniel found himself in the lion’s den facing starving lions. Daniel pled for deliverance and He was rescued at the very last minute. God actually sent his angel to shut the mouths of each lion in the den. Sometimes we too have to be patient in enduring our trials until deliverance comes. After our faith has been tested, at the eleventh hour it comes.
Finally there is the story of Daniel’s three friends, (Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego) who were commanded to bow down an worship a golden idol. These young men found this something they neither could nor would do, even on penalty of death. They were cast into the fiery furnace seven times hotter than normal.
Before they were cast into the fire they said: “If it be so [if you cast us into the furnace], our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand.” They continued, “But if not, … we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.” The “If not” is a statement of great faith. The but if nots in our life can become our greatest blessings.
They knew that they could trust God—even if things didn’t turn out the way they hoped. I am learning that faith is more than mental exertion, more than a belief that God lives. Faith is total trust in Him, submission to His will and complete reliance on Him.
The three Hebrews, bound tightly hand and foot and still in their clothing, were carried to the furnace and thrown in. The fire was so hot that those charged with the task of throwing them into the fire were consumed by the flames.
The king noticed that there were not three men walking about in that furnace, but four. The king turned to his aids and asked them if there were not three men cast into the fire. They agreed that there were only three. He called their attention to the fact that four men were now in the fire, and one had a god-like appearance. The king assumed it to be divine.
Neither the clothing nor the bodies of the men had been harmed by the intense heat and the flames. Their hair had not been singed; their clothing was not damaged. The only thing they lost in those flames were the ropes which bound them.
Daniel and his friends did not believe that faithfulness to God guarantees freedom from suffering and tribulation. But in the fiery furnace, God was with these three. How often we pray God would keep us from suffering, rather than strengthen us through suffering. God was present with them in the furnace. I have a quote in my kitchen that says: “No one knows what this year will bring, but one thing is sure. He will be with us and He is enough for every difficulty that may arise.”
Our beautiful mountain here in Alpine was on fire last week. Our own fires of afflictions can purify and sanctify us if we will look to the right source for our strength. A dear friend of mine sent me a picture she took the last time our mountain was on fire. A few weeks after the fire as she was walking among the ashes, she took this beautiful picture of new growth.
My challenge to you, as well as to myself—is to notice the holes that you fall into in your life. What would it take to walk down a different street and open up your heart to new growth? 